I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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