I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
