I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
