I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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