I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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