bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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