I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
