Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
