we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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