Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
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