Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
