his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He did a backflip because drugs
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
