I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
