Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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