I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
