my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
