the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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