just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
