I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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