Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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