every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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