thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
