operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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