yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
