And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Boobs speak an international language.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
