All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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