I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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