need another drink. this is the easiest way
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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