On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
we're making bets on your personal life
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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