Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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