My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
