Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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