i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
