i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
