i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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