I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
