Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize