your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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