We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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