I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
