At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
