It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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