um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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