Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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