Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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