What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
