A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
