you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize