I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Im part way to drunk.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
