just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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