What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
