Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
