The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
