I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
