I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
