Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
