She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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