he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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