Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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