I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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